It all began with Thales
a long, long time ago
when he exclaimed: “Eureka!
Everything is H2O!”
Anaximenes protested
and shouted: “Au contraire,
there’s only one stuff indeed.
But water?!—No, it’s air!”
Let’s not forget Heraclitus
whom all philosophers admire
for explaining once for all
that what only exists is… fire.
Enter Empedocles
who said, for what it’s worth:
“Air, water, fire—great!
But please add also earth!”
Pythagoras detested some food.
Wait, was it beans or cucumbers?
Whatever. He famously claimed
“Nothing exists except numbers!”
Parmenides caused an uproar
by arguing with great skill
that the world is just a big sphere
that stands completely still.
Denying that motion exists?
Is this some kind of spoof?
No, replied his student Zeno,
providing a cogent proof.
Democritus thought that everything
consists of atoms and the void.
So today’s physics textbooks
would make him overjoyed.
The sophists defended their practice
of charging a teacher’s fee:
“Hey, everyone needs to eat,
even those with Ph. D.”
Protagoras from Abdera
made the strong argument weaker,
insisting that truth itself
is relative to the speaker.
The critics were quick to refute him
by wickedly playing along:
“We think your view is just silly,
which means that, for us, you are wrong!”
Socrates taught about ethics
and how to live a good life,
yet ruining his own CV
by marrying a nagging wife.
He thought that even the vilest acts
spring from lack of knowledge,
as if people kill and steal
just because they failed in college.
His last, intense debate
was interrupted: “Knock, knock!
Excuse us for intruding,
but you have to drink the hemlock.”
Plato wrote the dialogues
and it’s very hard to say
of all those people there
who’s straight and who is gay.
He described the dazzling world
of ideas we cannot see,
which are much more cool
than anything else could be.
All we observe is shadows
and not the real thing.
Then who will guide us to the truth?
Why, a philosopher-king!
So Plato undertook the task
of showing the exit from the cave
but managed just to get himself
sold away as slave.
Thank God that his project failed,
for the utopia of this sage
looks a lot like fascism
in its early stage.
Aristotle examined
almost every topic:
from abstract to concrete,
big or microscopic.
Who’s not baffled by his terms,
telos, arché and ousia?
What the hell is he talking about?
Call if you have an idea.
His views on all key issues
were treated as the last word.
For almost a millennium
no objection was ever heard.
At last the scientists awoke
as their knowledge surged ahead.
They announced politely: “Sorry,
but we reject what he said.”
Among philosophers, however,
his standing remains quite high
although, to tell you frankly,
it's unclear exactly why.
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